a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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