Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
