I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Text me some of your sweat
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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