what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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