I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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