Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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