I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
