do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
