Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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