As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
how does that bad decision feel?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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