whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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