I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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