In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
