How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
