I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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