you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
