dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
