I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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