It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
