I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
