christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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