Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
