Im at strip club and am horny
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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