Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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