This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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