How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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