You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
