It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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