I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
