You can't motorboat a personality
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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