I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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