I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
