why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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