If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
