I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
