I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I am midnight drunk by noon
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
