i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
