Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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