Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
