Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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