there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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