Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
