I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
