@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
