i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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