i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it penis luge time yet?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
