If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
