He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
