pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
