You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
