im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
