Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
